Do you ever feel...

Do you ever feel like you are not the person you imagined you would be? I remember growing up, I had all these wonderful ideas of what kind of a wife and mother I was going to be. I was not going to get mad at my kids, because they of course were going to be perfect children because I was going to be an awesome mother (ha ha). I was going to have creative things for them to do and be such a fun mom. Then....REALITY HITS and you are tired and your house is a wreck and you send your kids down to be babysat by PBS kids while you clean and do your own thing..like shower and check e-mail. I've been thinking a lot about this. I don't think I am a horrible mom, but I am not the mom I wanted to be either. I know there is a balance in there somewhere. Obviously growning up, I didn't think about the all the mundane stuff that takes TIME like doing the breakfast, lunch and dinner dishes EVERY DAY (which sad to say, I don't). I didn't realize how much patience really does get worn down and things stop being cute and start getting annoying when its the 100th time. Being a mom is really frustrating sometimes but then, I have these moments of absolute sweetness and joy and laughter and I could not be happier. Take for instance yesterday morning. Addie came in with a blanket on her head and said "look, I have hair like Repunzel now mom." She climbed into bed and snuggled with me and said "Mom, I love you so much, I love you as much as 5 hearts as big as the world with little tiny hearts inside of it. " MELT my HEART! Tonight I was at Addies dance class and while she was standing there waiting for the music to start, she ran over and gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek. MELTING. Other moments like tonight when I thought Kimball had been asleep for a while and then I hear him yell to me from the top of the stairs "MOM, I dust tooted" me-"OK, can you say excuse me?" Kimball-"Koos me". Or when his eyes light up about sometime you say and he says "YEAHHHH! I'm so be-guided (excited)" and gives me the biggest hug and kiss. Or even when he gets hurt and just runs to me for comfort. I love that, and I love that I am here with him. Then there is Avonlea who is such a joy. I love her laugh that sounds like she is trying to clear her throat. I love that when I hold up a camera, she scunches up her nose and gives me the biggest cheese. I love picking her up and just feel her grab and hold onto me so tight and hug...I don't enjoy the bite on my shoulder that soon follows but I'm at least now prepared for it. I love her growling...which she does ALL THE TIME...infact, yesterday Addie said "mom, Avonlea is practically a dog huh" Thinking this was not very nice, I said "No shes not" but Addie replied "Well she growls and crawls on the ground and bites people." Ok Addie you have a point but she is a cute little puppy.
Anyway, I know this is a lot of rambling but there are frustrations and joys and that is what makes being a mom so rewarding and makes me realize that even though I am not the mom I want to be right NOW that doesn't mean I can't do better. I can make more sacrifices. If I were to spend half as much time actually doing crafts and decorating as I spent searching for crafts and decorating tips, I would have SO much done. I really love checking blogs and facebook, but I need to re-prioritize my time. My children need to come first. My childrens "status" is much more important that that person I haven't seen since 3rd grade. I have decided I am not going to be on the computer while my children are awake. I can use nap time and bedtime for that and this is a step. Becoming who I want to be is going to be a step by step process.
Ok, enough of this...